Musician Jokes
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit
any of the ducks.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawn mower.
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for
directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune
bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you
have been hallucinating.
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. A guy who can play the bagpipe, but doesn't.
Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.
Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his
car with the windows open, forgetting that he had left his
bagpipes in the back seat?
He rushed back as soon as he realized it, but it was too late
-- someone had already put another set of bagpipes in the car!
What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.
What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?
There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.
Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."
What does a banjo player and Madonna have in common?
Neither one has to be very good to get a lot of attention.
From: Al Keltz - Whirlwind
What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
We take off our cowboy booths to jump on a trampoline!
Bob Cap - Advanced Audio
What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.
How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.
How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
Both suck when you plug them in
How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they just steal somebody else's light.
What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
What's the best thing to play on a guitar?
Solitaire.
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.
2. Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.
3. One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
4. Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead
guitarists who are hogging the light.
In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source?
Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much
better the old tubes were.
Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the
lead singer noticed?
Q: "How many guitar players does it take to play a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune?
A: "Apparently all of them"
From: Geri O'Neil , Stagelite Sound "First, do no harm..."
Q: Did you hear about the guitar player who locked his keys in the van?
A: Took him 3 hours to get the drummer out.
From: George Gleason, George's Pro Sound Co
WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
- Guitars don't get pregnant.
- You can play your Guitar any time of the month.
- Guitars don't have parents.
- Guitars don't whine... unless you want them to.
- You can share your Guitar with your friends.
- Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you've played
- Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you have.
- Guitars don't care if you look at other Guitars.
- Guitars don't care if you buy Guitar magazines.
- You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to proud father of a new Guitar" unless you go out to buy one yourself.
- If your Guitar is flat you can fix it.
- Your Guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it.
- Your Guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat.
- You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Guitar.
- If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play it again.
- You can play your Guitar as long as you want and it won't get sore.
- You can stop playing your Guitar as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
- Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it.
- Guitars don't get headaches.
- Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player.
- Your Guitar never wants a night out with the other Guitars.
- Guitars don't care if you're late.
- You don't have to take a shower before you play your Guitar.
- If your Guitar doesn't look good you can refinish it or get new parts.
- You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
- The only protection you have to wear when playing your Guitar is a decent thumb pick.
- When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great time you had the last time you played your Guitar.
and last, but not least: - If you decide to part with an old Guitar, you don't have to give up half of everything you own.
Organ Jokes
What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
He puts his Leslie on "slow".
The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the
Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.
Strings Jokes
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the
violinist's head is so much bigger.
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.
Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!
String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."
Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?
Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.
Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.
A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my
violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write
your repertoire."
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the
defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
Q: What is the difference in a violin and a viola?
A: viola takes longer to burn.
From: Geri O'Neil
How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo"
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?
How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.
How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)
A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.
He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"
The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"
At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"
The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."
The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house.
Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was.
"Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time."
There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.
A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.
Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while."
After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"
Lute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other
half playing out of tune.
Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
How long does a harp stay in tune?
About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.
What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning unison strings.
What's the difference between an out-of-tune harp and a trampoline?
You should take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.
What's the difference between an out-of-tune harp and an onion?
Someone might cry when you cut up the onion.
